Sometimes Sorry isn't enough
by Lirulin
Summary: Sirius probably just made the worst mistake of his life... Sirius PoV after the Whomping Willow incident. SLASH SBRL Marauders era!
1. Chapter 1

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough**

_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **The characters don't belong to me. I just borrowed them from J.K. Rowling. And I also don't make money with it, who would pay for this anyway?

**Warning:** This is SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

**Pairing: **SB/RL

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What have I done? I've probably destroyed everything. He'll never forgive me. He doesn't even want to see me. That's the worst of it.

Not that I had to go see Dumbledore and endure him looking at me with this disappointed gaze.

Not that I lost Gryffindor 250 points.

Not that I got two months worth of detention. I deserve that and probably more.

No, the worst is, that he is in the hospital wing and I can't go to him, can't apologize.

He doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to talk to me. James told me.

He's very angry with me, too. Almost hit me this morning in the dormitory. Perhaps he should have done it. Perhaps he should've done it a lot sooner, to knock some sense into me.

What did possess me to do what I did?

They always say I'm so intelligent and have such a quick mind, but I must've left it in Gryffindor Tower when I told Snape to go to the Whomping Willow yesterday.

I'm alone now in the dormitory, and if I could, I'd suffocate myself with the pillow. I can't understand myself and I'm disgusted with myself. Did I really want to kill Snape, like James said? ...

Of course I didn't want to! I hate the git, but I would never kill him.

So, why did I do it?

I didn't think, but that's no excuse. And what's wore, I didn't think of him. I didn't think about what this would do to him. I could bang my head repeatedly against the wall. He's the most important person in the world for me, but I didn't think about him for one moment yesterday.

I feel like I betrayed him. Like I betrayed his trust in me. Just last week he told us how happy he was to have friends like us. It was one of those weird emotional moments and I just wanted to go over and hug him. Of course I didn't do it.

And then, exactly one week later, I go and betray his greatest secret to our biggest enemy in this school.

I'm such an idiot!

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do if he never talks to me again?

I can't bear the thought...

_Should have thought about that sooner then, Black..._

Great! Now my mind starts talking to me! I'm finally going insane. Or is this my conscience? Why couldn't it put his two-bits in sooner? Perhaps then I wouldn't have done such bullshit.

* * *

The air is getting heavier with every minute. I have to get out of here, maybe take a walk by the lake to clear my thoughts...

It's still quite early, but it's already getting dark outside. You can almost feel the snow in the air. Only four more weeks until Christmas.

I think this will be the worst celebration ever, if I can't patch up things to him. I'm sure it will be even worse than the Christmases I had to spend with my "lovely family".

I feel so empty.

And I'm scared. They always think I'm so fearless and confident, but right now I'm just scared.

The thought that he will probably not forgive me frightens me to the core.

The moon is now shining up there, slightly waning again, and it seems to mock me: "Look what you've done to the person you supposedly love."

Yes, that's right. I've fallen for him, I love him since last year. Took some time to accept actually, I was after all the "Ladies' Man".

Of course I never told him about my feelings. I was afraid I would loose our friendship, but it seems that I managed to do that now. And with just a few words.

Why did I have to say that to Snape? "Why don't you just go to the Whomping Willow tonight, if you're so desperate to know? Just press the knot at the trunk."

I should have known he would do it. He was after Remus' secret for quite some time now...

Remus...

Just thinking his name hurts. I'm really pathetic...

I think I'm going back inside now. Perhaps I can sneak into the infirmary to try and talk to him...

I don't know what I'll say though. I can't explain why I did it, nothing justifies it. If he'll accept an apology?

I have to try now...

* * *

Ok, here I am now, I just have to get my courage together. But that's easier said than done. Not much there at the moment. Where is it when you need it the most? Some Gryffindor I am...

Good, everythings quiet, Mme. Pomfrey is nowhere in sight.

There he is, I don't think he heard me already.

I can do this, I have to do this.

"Moony?"

My voice never sounded that tentative and unsure. I hold my breath.

There, he turns his head and looks at me ... and something is breaking inside of me. His eyes are so cold. He never ever looked that way at me, so indifferent and even a bit hostile.

Normally his eyes are so warm and full of laughter or sometimes even mischief. I love his eyes and how they glint amber in the firelight.

But now ... that's all gone. He looks as if he doesn't know me, as if he doesn't even want to look at me at all. And he doesn't say a word.

I feel absolutely terrible. But I have to tell him how sorry I am and that I see how wrong it was.

"Moony ... I ... I wanted to ... I am ... I mean ..."

Why can't I just say it?

"Black, I think it is better you leave."

And then he turns away again.

I stumble backwards. He never called me Black! He never talked to me in this cold and absolutely emotionless voice!

That's it.

I lost him forever.

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I return slowly to the dormitory. I'm glad it's empty.

James and Peter are in the Common Room, but they ignored me when I entered.

I look over the grounds. Everything seems so peaceful. Why can't there be a raging thunderstorm outside to reflect my emotions?

What's this?

Why are there tears in my eyes? I can't be crying now!

It can't be that bad, right? ... Right? ...

But it can.

Everything's lost and broken and I don't know how to repair it... If it even can be repaired.

And then, my tears start flowing...

**TBC **

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That's just the beginning. So, tell me what you think about it.

**Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough**

_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **The characters don't belong to me. I just borrowed them from J.K. Rowling. And I also don't make money with it, who would pay for this anyway?

**Warning:** This is SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

**Pairing: **SB/RL

**Authors Ramblings: **So, here's the 2nd chapter already. Thanks a lot to my first reviewers! You really made my day! I'm happy that you liked it so far!

Thanks to CappuccinoSunshine for the really long review. Hope you're feeling better now and didn't have another breakdown - As you'll see, James starts talking this chapter.

To Lucky Moony: The story is going to be from Sirius POV only. I really wanted to explore how the whole incident was for him. Perhaps I'm going to write a companion piece with Remus' and James' side of the story as well once I'm finished with this one.

Just so you know: don't expect to see a lot of Peter in here. I simply can't stand the rat.

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**Two weeks later**

I think the last two weeks were the worst I've ever had at Hogwarts.

Remus returned to the Tower two days after the dratted night, a Sunday.

It was a nightmare.

He didn't talk to me, he didn't look in my direction, he didn't even acknowledge I was in the same room as him.

And this hasn't changed till now... Classes are hell as well since then.

I was last to come into class on the first Monday, James and Peter were already sitting with Remus and motioned to me not to come near them. So I sat in the back, and that's where I'm still sitting now, two weeks later, because James told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't want me with them at the moment.

And I understand.

I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces every day, when I see them together, especially Remus, but I understand.

Of course there were a lot of questions from our classmates as to why the "infamous Marauders" are separated. I almost couldn't bear them.

What could I say?

Nothing.

On top of that was the fact that I lost us 250 points and couldn't explain why.

At the moment nearly the whole house is angry with me.

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I'm alone again in the dormitory. No surprise there. Aside from classes I've hardly gone out in the last two weeks.

James started talking to me again a bit this morning, just ordinary things. But it's a beginning. Perhaps there's hope yet.

The door opens and James enters. He looks so serious. If I wasn't so miserable, I'd bring this stupid pun on my name.

"Sirius, we need to talk."

Oh joy! I knew it.

Somehow hearing him talk with this calm and collected voice is worse than him yelling at me.

"I know."

How couldn't I?

And then he asks. He asks just this one tiny word that means so much and that matters everything.

"Why?"

What am I to say?

That's question I asked myself countless times since that night.

"I don't know. I didn't think."

And that's the truth.

"That's no excuse, Sirius."

He looks at me and I just see this sadness and disappointment in his eyes. And it somehow breaks a dam inside of me.

"I know that it's no excuse! But what else do you want me to say? That's how it was! I simply didn't think! My mouth ran away with me! He was prying into Remus' business again and nosing around and I was so pissed off and then I just snapped, and I told him! I can't turn back the time! I can't take the words back! Believe me, I'd do anything if I could! I'm so sorry that it hurts, but that doesn't help anyone! It doesn't make things better! I can't change anything and I have to live with that now!"

I'm crying again, but I really could care less.

James seems a bit taken aback by my outburst, but what does it matter?

"You hate me anyway." I can't help mumbling it as I turn away from him. It's the truth, isn't it?

I thought he would be leaving now, but he doesn't, because I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder.

I can't turn around.

I can't look into his eyes.

"Sirius, listen to me. I certainly don't hate you. I'm very disappointed about what you did, sure, and quite angry on top of that and I think you deserve a good beating, but I could never hate you. You're still my best friend and my brother."

Does he really mean it? That would be too good to be true. But he's not finished yet.

"And I'm really glad you said what you did. I wasn't sure if you really regretted it. Look, I forgive you, but it will take some time until things are completely normal between us again."

I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off of my heart. He forgives me! He doesn't abandon me! He's still my friend!

Of course it will take time, that's just what I deserve, but at least there's hope now.

The tears won't stop flowing, but now there are some tears of joy mixed in as well.

I fling my arms around his neck and bury my head in his chest. His arms come around me and hold me.

I'm glad. I missed my best friend.

After a few minutes I've calmed down enough to disentangle myself from him and to ask the question that I'm dreading to ask.

"What ... what about ... what about Remus?"

I must've sound very pleading because he sighs loudly before he answers.

"I honestly don't know, Sirius. I don't think he hates you, but ... you know, he's so hurt. He didn't mention the whole thing even once. I told him just yesterday to talk to you ... or to yell at you or to hit you, if he feels like it. Or at least to talk to me and Peter, just to get it out of his system. But he simply refused, didn't want to listen to me. He just said, he didn't want to talk about it, least with you, didn't want to see you or even think about you. I can see that he's hurting so much, but I can't force him to do anything. I think you have to give him much, much time, Sirius. Best don't approach him at all. He'll just tell you to go to hell, and everything gets worse. You can only wait."

That's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I have to bear with that for the moment. If Remus is really this anti-me now, an apology would probably really only make it worse.

If James thinks it's for the best ...

"Thanks James."

He squeezes my shoulder and leaves the dormitory.

Probably felt that I needed alone time now.

He really is the best friend you can have. And I almost ruined that. My brain must've really been on vacation. But I can't help it now. It happened.

So, what now?

Of course it's a relief that Remus doesn't hate me, but I'm still sure that I destroyed every chance to ever tell about my feelings.

Not that I had much of a chance to begin with.

So, now I have to wait.

I wonder how long it will take until he talks to me again.

And getting his forgiveness is comletely impossible at the moment.

**TBC

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Hope you liked it. Please tell me what you think. I hope the James-Sirius talk came out right.**

Till next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough**

_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Nothings mine! Believe me, Sirius would be very much alive if it was mine. And I also don't make money with it, who would pay for this anyway?

**Warning:** This is still SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

**Pairing: **SB/RL

Third chapter! Thanks so much for your reviews! I love you all! I was jumping up and down yesterday, because you said sooo nice things!

This chapter is mostly Sirius rambling, but I thought that's okay. He must be thinking about the whole situation quite a lot, so I just let him talk. Have fun and thanks again for your wonderful comments!

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**The Christmas Holidays**

Now it's the Christmas holidays and I'm all alone here in Gryffindor Tower, apart from some first years and two seventh years who are at the library most of the time.

Remus went to spend Christmas at James' house, so it was out of the question that I stay here.

He still isn't talking to me, though he started looking at me sometimes two days before the beginning of the holidays.

I'm so desperate that I'm willing to take that as a good sign, even though it probably means nothing.

Because apart from that, our friendship, if you can still call it that, is still at an all-time low.

The last full moon was four days before Chrismas Day and James told me that Remus didn't want me there. I could understand it, of course, but it still hurt very much.

That was the first time since we became Animagi that I wasn't there.

I couldn't sleep and was sitting in the window seat all night, looking at the moon.

I'm really at a loss about what to do. I'm trying to heed James' advice and don't approach him, but it's so hard.

I just want to go over to him and apologize, because I still wasn't able to tell him how sorry I am, but I can't.

He simply refuses to talk to me. As soon as I get near, he leaves. He has shut me out of his life completely.

And I don't know how much longer I can deal with that. It's tearing me up inside.

And it seems to show on the outside as well, because James commented on how pale and depressed I looked before they left.

At least he and I are on speaking terms again. It's still not completely normal, but almost.

I really don't know what I'd do without him. I'm so glad that there's someone I can talk to when everything is getting just too much.

But it must be hard for him and Peter as well.

My stupidity affected all of us, not just Remus and me. Since last week, that's when things started to get a bit more normal, the two of them are jumping between Remus and me.

One day James was sitting with me in classes and Peter with Remus, the next day it was the other way around.

It was the same in the Common Room. Remus and I were sitting at opposite ends with James and Peter always changing from one to the other.

Everything's so difficult and it's all my fault.

I feel so guilty and there's nothing I can do.

I wish I could go and kiss it better, like my mother did sometimes when I was younger and she still believed I would be the good, little pureblood heir.

But I can't and I'm feeling that it's slowly driving me insane ...

This is really the worst Christmas I've ever had, sitting all alone in the Common Room.

Of course, I could have gone "home", if you want to call it that, but my death wish is not that strong yet.

I'm down enough without this old hag of a mother ranting about me being a blood-traitor and bringing shame to the "noble House of Black" all day long.

I also didn't feel like listening to "precious" Regulus and my "charming" cousins Bellatrix and Narcissa insulting me and throwing snide remarks left, right and center.

I heard "dearest Cissy" is dating Malfoy now. But that's really no surprise. What do they say about birds of the same feather?... Just the thought of the two of them together makes me sick. Bad mental image ...

Anyway, so I'm all alone here glaring at the flames in the fireplace.

I didn't even go to the Christmas feast two days ago. I simply didn't feel like celebrating. Just thinking about Dumbledore wearing a Father Christmas hat and singing muggle Christmas carols ... no, I got some food from the kitchens and stayed in the Tower.

It was really a surprise when McGonagall showed up at around nine in the evening.

"Are you alright, Mr. Black? Professor Dumbledore missed you at the feast."

Of course I told her that I was just fine. Didn't seem to believe me.

"Are you sure? The four of you seemed to be very subdued in the last few weeks."

I didn't answer and she left after that.

Oh jolly! Now even the teachers are wondering about us. But she has to know what happened, right? I'm sure Dumbledore informed the teachers ...

Now that I think about it, she sounded as if she somehow missed our pranks.

Of course there weren't any since the incident.

The Marauders are almost non-existent at the moment, so pranks are completely out of the question.

And the students are noticing it, too. They seem to be wary of us, as if they are afraid we are planning something big.

Some, like Lily Evans, even asked what was wrong, because they obviously noticed our strange seating arrangements.

I told them we had a little disagreement – the understatement of the year – but I doubt they believed me. At least they didn't ask any further.

I have to admit, I miss our pranks and I believe a bit of Slytherin-hexing would do me good, but I don't dare do anything.

I'm so afraid of angering Remus even further. He was never that fond of how we treated Snape ...

Snape, now he is also a difficult matter. He seems to be avoiding Remus like the pest. Bet he's scared, the slimy git.

But I had a run-in with him about two weeks ago, a few days after my talk with James. Luckily no one else was present.

Said we were very lucky that Dumbledore's on our side, otherwise he'd have outed Remus to the whole school and that he thinks the Headmaster is insane to let such a monster in here.

Oh, how I would have loved to set this greasy head of his straight! But I didn't. I would've only gotten into more trouble and the absolutely last thing I want is to drive Remus even further away.

So I held my tongue and am now trying to give Snape a very wide berth whenever I see him, because I'm not sure I could restrain myself if he said something about Remus' condition again.

Luckily he's not here over the holidays. One problem less.

But it's boring here. Nothing to do at all.

I even finished all of my homework already. Remus would be proud of me ... if we were still friends...

That's just great! Now I'm crying again! I've really turned into such a whimp!

I try not to think about him, but the smallest details remind me of him and then of this whole shitty situation and then I start crying.

The atmosphere here in the Tower isn't helping either. It's empty and lonely and cold. Just like I am feeling inside.

I miss him so much! I miss his laughter, I miss our talks till one in the night. Hell, I even miss our pillow fights in the dormitory!

I never believed you could feel physical pain when you're hurting emotionally, but now I know it's true. My heart is aching, I can feel it for real, and it simply doesn't stop.

I once read somewhere, that words are far worse weapons than guns or bombs and that they can cause greater destruction than almost anything else.

I always thought this was a bit of a laughing matter ...

Why do you have to learn these truths the hard way?

Just a few words and years of friendship go down the drain.

Just a few thoughtless words and carefully builded trust shatters into pieces.

Because Remus' trust doesn't come easily.

He's had so much rejection in his life already that it's very hard to gain his trust and make him believe that you like him.

It took us a long time until he really believed us that we were not going to abandon him, that we were really his friends and would stay by his side.

And now this!

Betraying his trust like this! As if it is nothing!

I feel like the worst criminal, like they should throw me into Azkaban and destroy the key.

I think I'd deserve it ...

What will happen when he comes back after the holidays?

Will there be a difference?

Will he speak to me again?

I was even too afraid to send him his Christmas present. I was scared that he'd come back and chuck it right in my face. How pathetic is that? So it's still upstairs in my trunk.

I didn't get anything from him either, not that I expected to...

The tears have stopped for the moment, but I know they'll come back. At the latest the next time I think about him. I'm really such a cry-baby, but what does it matter? There's no one here to see it anyway. And it's the only way I have to let out my emotions. And it helps, though only a little bit.

It's snowing outside now. Normally I love the snow. We always have so much fun out there...

I just remember last year when Remus and I sneaked up on James and dumped him in this huge snow-heap. Or when he and I ...

Stop it! If I remember more, I get sentimental and start crying again.

There will be nothing like it this year.

At the moment the snow seems to reflect Remus' and my relationship to each other: cold and frozen.

There's nothing there, everything's frozen under a thick layer of ice.

I just hope that spring will come again.

If this winter lasted forever ... no, best not think about it.

**TBC

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Did you like it? Not much happening here, just some of Sirius' musings, but I thought that is important as well.**

Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough**

_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Do I still have to say it? Not mine!

**Warning:** This is still SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

**Pairing: **SB/RL

Thanks for your reviews! I love you and feel very flattered! I'm really glad that you like this story so much!

I think last chapter was the saddest. It's getting better from now on. This chapter is a bit more about James. I didn't want to forget his one-sided relationship with a certain redhead...

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**Second week of January:**

I'm really glad that school started again.

I know, it's crazy to say something like this and normally I'd have to ask myself if I'd eaten just one to many Lemon Drops.

I'm sure they're the reason why Dumbledore is so off his rocker, and I mean that in a completely positive way.

They are really good and I don't understand why most people decline when he offers them. I always take some when I'm up in his office, meaning at least once every two weeks.

Anyway, it's really good that everyone is back. Now it isn't so damn quiet anymore in the tower.

James told me that their Christmas was quite calm as well. Remus must've not been in the best of moods.

What were James' words? "He seemed kind of distracted, as if he wasn't even there most of the time." He's probably thinking about the whole situation as much as I am...

But I don't know to what conclusions he comes.

He's now looking at me again, started it just before the holidays, and I'm happy even about this tiny little step. I also noticed over the last week that he's back now, that his eyes aren't that cold anymore.

I still shudder when I think about this evening when I went to the hospital wing... Now I can see a bit of the former warmth returning and that's quite a relief.

But the most wonderful thing – in my eyes – happened this morning.

I was coming down to the Common Room and Remus was already sitting there, reading a book.

Suddenly he looked up and I had to hold my breath. I was so happy to just be able to look into his eyes again.

He considered me for a long moment and then ... then he said "Good morning"!

Okay, it was just a greeting and he went back to reading afterwards, but he talked to me!

How I missed to hear his voice! I've been on cloud nine this whole day.

I noticed a lot of people looking at me strangely, because I'm wearing this silly grin on my face, but it's none of their business.

He talked to me!

Perhaps I can now start to patch things up. I still don't know how, but I'm surely on the right path ...

I'm trying to do my homework, but somehow I can't concentrate. Whenever I think of this morning, I start grinning and feel all giddy inside...

James is coming over and he has this look in his eyes, like a wounded puppy, and that can only mean one thing: Evans.

"Sirius ... I don't know what to do!"

He's whining ... Ok, this will be long..

I'm really very thankful and happy that we're back at our normal behaviour towards each other, but somehow I could do with a bit less mooning over Evans.

It's her "absolutely gorgeous red hair" here and her "stunning emerald eyes" there and her "sweet but temperamental nature" all around. And if he's started, you can't stop him!

If he's lying awake at night, pondering over a thousand ways to describe Lily Evans? Sure sounds like it sometimes ...

But I won't complain. Not much anyway and certainly not to his face. To be honest, I can space out quite a lot as well when I start thinking about Remus ... But I can't do it now. James is still here and I have to concentrate on his problem.

"So, what ails you, my dear brother in arms?"

He flops into the armchair opposite me and smiles slightly.

"Stop being so melodramatic, Paddy. It's not funny."

"Ah, but why do I see a smile on your face?" I love teasing him. "But seriously..."

He throws me a look as if daring me to say it.

Honestly! I'm not so childish to make jokes with my name – often...

"No, I really mean it, Prongs. What's wrong?"

"I asked Lily to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend."

Oh no! Please not again!

"Let me take a wild guess ... She said no?"

"Exactly! And I don't understand why! Wonder if I did something wrong ..."

Oh my! I'm getting this feeling again...

"Prongs mate, how exactly did you ask her?"

"Well, I went to her and said ´Hey Lils, it's really great that you're coming to Hogsmeade with me on Saturday. How could she say no?"

I put my head in my hands and groan. James is really great and all, but when itcomes to girls, especially Evans, he's about as sensitive as a rampaging hippogriff.

Even I know that that was a completely wrong way of asking her.

"For goodness sake, James! That wasn't a question! You practically ambushed her! No wonder she said no!"

"You think so?"

"No, I don't think so, I know so! You should've gone to her and asked if she would give you the honour of accomanying you to Hogsmeade or something like that. Make a compliment or two. Girls like that."

Now I can practically see the wheels turning in his head.

"That sounds great, Padfoot! I'll try that one!"

And with that he jumps up and bounds out of the portrait...

Wish it was as easy for me as it is for him. He's not shy with his feelings. He tells everyone who listens – and some who don't – that he loves Lily Evans. The whole school must know it.

Whereas I ... Even James doesn't know about my feelings for Remus. I don't know why, but somehow I can't tell him. I know he wouldn't be disgusted or anything ... I just don't know.

At the moment it's not my priority anyhow. First I have to get back to the stage "friendship" with Remus. I believe this morning was a good start...

I look over at him. He's sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace, reading again. His golden-brown hair reflects the light of the flames and gives him this special Remus-glow.

I love his hair. It looks so soft and silky and I would just love to run my hands through it, to feel it ... But at the moment I can only dream of it.

He seems to notice that someone is watching him, because his head is now turning from side to side.

And then, for just one short moment, our eyes meet, before he turns away again.

My heart jumps into my throat and the butterflies in my stomach start fluttering wildly.

Because I'm sure, in that second I saw a tiny, tiny smile in his eyes ...

**TBC **

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Next chapter will be more Remus. It will be "The Talk" between the two of the them. I've already written it, but I'm not sure if everything is right. Have to read it through again...

So, till next time, and please tell me what you think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough**

_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Do I still have to say it? Not mine!

**Warning:** This is still SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

**Pairing: **SB/RL

I love all my reviewers. I can't say how happy I am to read your kind comments. Special thanks to Emerald princess3, Briryan, Umi Watarimono and California smells funny who've reviewed every chapter so far. And also many thanks to all of you who read and like this.

I really liked writing this chapter. It's "The Talk" as I've dubbed it, and I hope you like it.  
So, have fun and let's see what Remus has to say!

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**After the full moon**

Last Friday was the second full moon without me. It's now been two months since this fateful night and although he's still not talking normally to me, I am very happy about every little progress I'm able to make in my strained relationship with Remus...

At least he's greeting me now. He says "Good morning" or "Good night" or little things like this and I'm glad even about this. I missed hearing his voice and having no connection at all to him was just terrible.

Perhaps sometime in the next few days I can finally apologize to him..

That's why I'm still sitting in the Common Room, at one o'clock in the night. I'm trying to think of what to tell him. I want to explain to him what happened, though it won't be a very good explanation.

I still don't understand myself when I think about it.

Of course, I know my temper and Snape was really pissing me off at the time, but that's no reason to send him to the Willow!

So, I still don't know what to say to Remus and it's driving me mad! I want things to be normal again! Everything's so jumbled up! ...

I can hear footsteps on the stairs.

It's probably James, wanting to talk a bit more about Evans. I already spent the whole evening listening to him going on and on about how heartbroken he is because Evans didn't go to Hogsmeade with him.

He really should be used to it by now. It's obvious that the girl doesn't like him, but no! James is absolutely convinced that she is madly in love with him and just too shy to admit it.

He must be completely blind. I've rarely seen a girl that's so not shy.

I wonder what he still has to rave on about... I'm sure I've heard everything there is and more.

I turn around to tell him that I had my Evans-dose for today, but the words die on my lips.

It's not James standing at the foot of the stairs ... it's Remus! And he's just looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

I'm starting to become nervous. What's he doing here? We've not been alone together in two months! We've not been together at all!

He slowly comes over to the fireplace and sits down in the armchair opposite mine. He's still looking as if he's sizing me up.

I start squirming. I'm not feeling very comfortable under his gaze...

"What do you have to say for yourself, Sirius?"

... What? Say? For myself? Now? Does he want to talk about it now? But ... I'm not prepared! What am I to say? ... Help! ...

I have to say something! He's looking at me expectantly. Perhaps this is my only chance! Perhaps I lose him forever if I don't say something now!

Ok, get a grip on yourself! I can do this.

"Remus ... I ... I ... Remus, I'm so sorry! Please, you have to believe me! I'm really so, so sorry! I wish I could turn back time and change things! But I can't and it's killing me. I was so stupid and I can't even give you a reasonable explanation why I did it. I didn't think about you and I regret that every day! I'm so sorry for what I did to you. Remus please!"

I want to ask for his forgiveness, but I don't have the courage.

He looks at me, for a very long time. Am I imagining things, or do I see his eyes soften?

At last he sighs loudly.

"I believe you, Sirius. I believe you, that you're sorry and that you really regret it."

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my heart.

"But ..."

Oh no! There's a 'but'! He doesn't want to be my friend anymore!

"But sometimes a 'sorry' isn't enough. Sometimes it doesn't make things right. I'm glad you apologized and that you really mean it and I hope that you learned to control your temper now, but you have to understand me and how I'm feeling.

"Sirius, you can't even begin to imagine how hurt I was this morning after the full moon. I know that James is your best friend, but I always felt closest to you. I felt safe with you. I felt as though I could always come to you, talk about everything with you. I opened my heart to you and trusted you completely.

"And then this happened. I couldn't believe you could actually do this to me. What if I had killed Snape? I couldn't have lived with the guilt. I felt betrayed, Sirius, betrayed and used. Like my trust didn't mean anything to you and you could just throw it away. Like I was just good enough for your plans of revenge on Snape. In the first few weeks I really believed that you had never seen me as your friend."

I can hardly breath and feel a stab of pain running through my heart.What have I done? It's even more terrible than I imagined. He's the person I love most in the entire world, who means more to me thaneven James, and I led him to believe that I didn't even see him as a friend! I'm such a bastard!

Tears are slowly sliding down his cheeks and I wish I could just reach out and wipe them away, but I'm afraid that he'll draw away and leave. I'm happy that he's finally talking about his feelings, even though it's painful for me ... And it must be even more so for him.

He closes his eyes briefly and his tears stop flowing.

"Like I said, I only believed that for about two weeks, because then I saw how crestfallen and devastated you were. I noticed of course that you tried to approach me several times, but I was still so angry and hurt. I didn't want to talk to you. I'm sure I would've hit you. And I also didn't want to talk to James or Peter. I'm sure they wouldn't have understood it.

"But ... I'm feeling a bit better now, after this two months and I wanted to hear what you had to say Sirius. And I'm happy about what you said. I'm happy that you don't make any excuses, because there really is no excuse. Thanks for the sincere apology, but at the moment you have lost my trust in you. And as I said, sometimes 'sorry' just isn't enough to make things right again."

I'm feeling very small at the moment. I just begin to fully understand what I did to our friendship.

I never knew that Remus felt closest to me. What now?

"Remus, please, tell me what I can do! I'll ... I'll do anything to make things better again, to repair our friendship! Please Remus! What can I do? ... I miss you so much!"

Shit! I didn't mean to say the last thing out loud. It just burst out...

But it's the truth. I miss him and I feel completely lost without him there with me, telling me what to do or when to stop when I'm just going over the edge again.

Remus seems to be quite surprised, even more so when I start crying. But I can't help it. It's just that everything inside me is in turmoil. He's talking to me again, but we're still so far apart from each other.

For a moment he looks as if he wants to get up and come over to me, but he doesn't. Everything's so difficult and it's all my fault. If I hadn't said those words, if James had been there to hold me back, I wouldn't be feeling like torn in two, like I lost a very important piece of my heart ... But all the 'what if's' won't help me. I have to save what's still there!

"Remus I swear! I'd do everything!"

He's staring into the flames, probably thinking.

I try to stop my tears, but it's futile.

Then, after what seems like hours, he looks back up again, straight into my eyes.

I try to understand the many different emotions running through his eyes. There's sadness and anger and pain and also something else. It cannot be.. longing, can it? No, certainly not.

"That's not easy, Sirius. It will still take some time until I'm completely comfortable around you again. You have to win my trust back. You have to somehow show me that you care about me. And that's not going to be easy. You'll have to think of something and I won't help you there. And another thing: did you apologize to Severus?"

What!

Apologize to Snape!

To his face?

Of course I'm sorry for what I did to him, but telling him personally!

"From the look of horror on your face I deduct that you didn't. Well, I want you to ... no, I expect you to apologize to him. Show me that you learned something, that you matured at least a little bit."

Oh crap! Now I actually have to do it! Like I said, I'd do anything, for Remus anyhow. And it won't kill me... at least that's what I hope. Best do it first thing tomorrow morning. I can practically see him sneering at me. I don't expect he'll accept my apology. But for Remus I'll do it.

"Ok ... I'll do it. But ... does this mean I can't prank him ever again?"

Now I'm really anxious. I mean, I'd do it if he wanted me to, but pranking Snape is always the greatest fun. It's one of my favourite pasttimes.

"No, that doesn't mean it, Sirius. You know that I love pranks just like the rest of you and we'll sure do them together again. I just don't want you to do something that hurts him. And you could perhaps target him a bit less. There are enough other people in this school who arequite prankable as well."

And then he actually smiles at me and his eyes light up!

I'm so happy to see his smile again! My knees grow weak and if I didn't sit already, I surely would fall over.

"I really missed your smile. It is so beautiful ..."

Gah! No! Why did I just have to blurt this out? Why does my brain always takeits leave at the most inconvenient of times? What'll he think? ...

He's blushing a bit and it looks just so adorable. But I best talk on, I dont't want to answer any questions he might have..

"Anyway, I promise you that I'll concentrate more on other people if I want to prank someone, Remus."

I smile back at him and I'm happy that he doesn't look away. We hold each others gaze a bit longer and somehow I feel a tiny bit of our old connection returning. I could burst with joy. This is my happiest day in a long time.

Finally he breaks eye-contact to look at the clock.

"I think I'll go to bed now. Good night ... Padfoot."

He gets up and turns to leave, but the use of my nickname gives me the courage to ask the most important question for me.

"Remus ... can you forgive me?"

He stops and turns back towards me, looking at me with his beautiful amber eyes. He seems to be making up his mind, because I can suddenly see determination in them.

"Yes, I can forgive you, but I cannot forget. It'll heal with time and I'm sure I can learn to trust you again, but a scar will always remain. Not visible one, mind you. Butthe timewill come when it doesn't hurt anymore... Good night and sleep well."

And then he heads to the stairs.

I feel relieved now. He can forgive me, he says I can win him back! That's just sooo great! I'm sure I'm wearing a very silly grin on my face now ...

His voice is drifting down the stairs, jolting me into awareness once more.

"Sirius, want to sit with me in Charms tomorrow?"

Then I hear a door closing softly.

I'm sitting stumped for a moment. Did I hear right? Does he really want to sit with me again? That's almost too good to be true! If I smile any wider, my face will break in two. I feel like dancing! I'll sit with Remus again! AndI can talk to him again!

The ice between us is finally melting! Outside it's still very frosty, with a thick blanket of snow coating the grounds, but it feels as if spring arrived inside me. As if the first flower peaked its head out of the frozen earth.

Now I'm sure eveything will be all right again ...

But now I definetly have to go to bed, otherwise I'll be dead on my feet tomorrow morning ...

888

I move very silently through the dorm, so as not to wake anyone. Remus seems to be sleeping already. He looks so relaxed, even has a little smile on his face, though I can still see the tear streaks.

And I can't resist. I reach out and softly caress his cheek. His skin feels so soft and seems to glow faintly in the moonlight. I could stay like this forever, just watching him..

But then he moves slightly and I quickly slip into my bed and close the hangings. It wouldn't do to wake him upand risk the tender understanding we just formed again.

I close my eyes and see his smiling face before me. And I'm sure that for the first time in over two months I'll have pleasant dreams.

**TBC **

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I'm actually quite content with how it turned out and I hope you agree with me. I think it's bit less angsty than the other chapters. It's finally moving upwards for poor Sirius. I didn't want to torture him further.

Till next time!


	6. Chapter 6

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough**

_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Do I still have to say it? Not mine!

**Warning:** This is still SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

**Pairing: **SB/RL

Sorry that it took me a bit longer to post this. I was quite busy. Thanks again to all of my wonderful reviewers! You're truly great!

Oh, and it would be really great if you checked out my one-shot "Battle Lost and Won". It's something that just jumped into my head and I'd be happy if you read it and tell me what you think!

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**The next day**

Ok, I'll officially name this the Day of Doom. Today I did something completely unheard of. I bet the whole school thinks I'm sick or I've finally lost it.

Because today I apologized to Severus Snape.

If someone had told me this two weeks ago, I'd have laughed in their face.

But I did it. Remus expected me to and I really wanted to prove to him that I learned something out of this whole mess.

It was anything but easy, in fact it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I mean, he's the biggest git in the school and my personal enemy ... But Remus is more important than anything else, so...

Well, when I got up this morning, I vowed to myself to get this over with as soon as possible. Gryffindor courage and all.

And it was just my luck that I met Snape in the Entrace Hall when I was walking down to breakfast.

I stopped him and – I'm so proud of myself! – even refrained from calling him Snivellus.

Yeah, and then I said it. I said that I was sorry for the incident two months ago and that it really hadn't been my intention to hurt him.

I think I'll never forget the look on his face. First he looked as if I had grown three heads and a tail, then he tried to compose himself which he didn't manage and his famous sneer turned into something that looked remarably like a gaping giant squid. At least that's what I imagine the giant squid to look like when it's gaping. Can it even do that? ... I should perhaps investigate that further...

Anyway, it looked utterly ridiculous on Snape. And then he turned around and stalked away. Now that was a bit unexpected. He didn't even say a word. I was sure to get at least a snide remark, but nothing? Wonder if he's getting old, his wits leaving him already... Not that I care.

And I also didn't care at that moment, because I saw Remus standing in the door of the Great Hall, smiling at me and I immediately forgot everything. Is it just me or is he becoming more beautiful with each day? I'm so pathetic, I almost always lose it when I just look at him, I only wait for the time when I start running into things...

It took me a few moments to get my bearings again and to notice all the whispering around me. There was quite a crowd standing in the Hall, discussing what they'd just witnessed. Of course, being handsome and popular me, I always attract an audience, so it didn't matter to me.

It also doesn't matter to me that they most likely think I'm crazy now. It just adds to my image. Expect the Unexpected! That's me, Sirius Black!

Anyway, the rest of the day was pretty good.

We had Charms right after my "scene" with Snape, and it was the first class where I was sitting with Remus again. I was in heaven!

Of course we couldn't talk, it was a lesson after all and there's few that Remus dislikes more than being distracted during class, but just to be able to be near him again was pure bliss ...

888

I should be concentrating on my Potions essay, but my thoughts keep wandering.

James is still in Muggle Studies, while I already had my last class. He only took it because Evans is in there as well. The things he does ... And Remus is in the library, where else?

It's actually good to have a bit of solitude, because I now have to seriously think about how to win his trust back or how to show him that I care. And I really care, more than he probably thinks.

But somehow nothing comes to me at the moment...

It's Valentine's Day in a little over three weeks. Perhaps I could do something then ... But no, that's a bit to suggestive, isn't it?

Of course I'll leave Snape alone for a little while longer. I mean, Remus said I could prank him, but I don't want him to think that I just let Snape have his peace because he was angry with me and that I immediatley go back to hexing Snivellus, now that we are talking again. I want to show Remus that I'm really sorry...

James is just coming back and he's grinning as if he'd won the Quidditch World Cup. And there's Evans as well, but she rather looks as if someone died. Wonder what's going on ...

But I'm sure I'll know in a second, 'couse my energetic best friend is bouncing over.

"Guess what, Padfoot?"

I bet my good looks that it has something to do with Evans, but I'll humour him.

"They invented self-writing ink and we don't have to do homework ever again?"

"Meep! Wrong! Guess again!"

"The giang squid made a giant wave, it flooded the Slytherins in their dungeon and now they are now swimming around like wet rats?"

"Nooo!"

"Then I don't know. I counted on those two. So, what has you grinning like Dumbledore on a sugar high, Prongs?"

"Ok, hold on thight, you won't believe this. I am working on a project for Muggle Studies ... together with Lily! Isn't it fantastic!"

He's jumping up and down in his armchair now, acting like a three-year-old...

Poor Evans. Somehow I pity her. Won't be easy for her, working with James, especially when he's like this.

What did the professor think, to pair off those two?

She's bound to become furious with him, and that's not going to be pretty, what with redheads and their temper...

Perhaps I should pity James. And as his best friend, I should really tell him to watch his behaviour and not to act like a complete prat, like he normally does when he's around her. I really should do that, but... on the other hand it's so hilarious to just observe him when he's "on the Evans-path", so to speak.

Like now, because he's already gone to the other end of the room, talking to said girl ...

Well, she doesn't look exactly happy ...

"James Potter! Stop pestering me! We will not start working on the project now! And most certainly not in your dormitory! Now you better leave, before I do something you might regret later!"

Ow, that was loud. Poor James, always saying the wrong things and not even realizing it ...

He's going up to our dorm, propably to sooth the wounds his pride had to suffer. I'll talk to him later, because I really have to return to my essay ...

But I've barely written a paragraph when I notice someone sitting down beside me.

It's Remus, and he's smiling, looking from Evans to the stairs.

"What happened? I could hear Lily shouting from outside the portrait!"

I'm still so amazed that we're actually talking again, it's something like a miracle. I can't even begin to describe how overjoyed I am just to talk about random everyday things with him..

I must've looked a bit dazed, because his gaze turns questioning.

"Padfoot? Did you hear me?"

"What? ... Yeah, of course ... It was just James and his big mouth again. He told me something about a Muggle Studies project with her and seems to have invited her to our dorm. Ms. Evans obviously wasn't very pleased."

He shakes his head. We both know that James can be a right big idiot.

"He's unbelievable. Lily is really a very nice girl and I get along fine with her. I mean, you can actually talk to her, she's not one of those girls that only have clothes and make-up in their heads. But somehow James always manages to enrage her. He seems to have a talent for it."

That's exactly what I'm thinking as well. But the worse part is, that he doesn't even see it. He thinks that everything he does is perfect ...

I can't count the times that I've tried to knock some sense into him. Sometimes quite literally, but to no avail. But I won't give up. He's my best friend and I want him to be happy.

Anyway, I have to say that Remus is more important at the moment. He's still there, beside me, and I simply revel in in his presence...

I'm spacing out again and I have to get out of it in order not to miss anything he says.

"You know Sirius, I'm proud of you for what you did this morning. I have to admit, I was a bit dubious if you would really do it. But you actually apologized to him, and in front of so many people. I'm really very proud and I can see that you're serious."

I almost can't believe what I'm hearing.

He's proud of me!

I did something right!

Perhaps I already managed to win a bit of his trust back with this apology!

It would be too good to be true and I very much want to interpret his words that way ...

I think I look quite stumped, because he starts laughing softly.

This has to be the most wonderful sound I've ever heard, and it's for me!

He really is lauging with me again! Or at me. Doesn't matter...

"Cat got your tongue, Padfoot?"

His voice is so full of laughter, as if we are really friends again.

"What? .. No ... I mean ... It's just ... Thanks, Moony!"

Why do I always have to stumble over my words when I try talking to him? It's so annoying.

"Hmm? What do you mean? Thanks for what?"

I really don't want to answer that question, but perhaps I should, and honestly at that, so that he sees how I feel and that I actually mean it.

"Well, thanks for talking to me again. Thanks for being proud of me. Thanks for laughing with me again. Thanks for just sitting beside me. And I hope thanks for being friends again?"

He looks a bit shocked now. Perhaps he didn't expect me to be that open with him. Sometimes I surprise myself with the things I do ...

Why doesn't he say anything? Was I too rash? Was it too early to ask him of being friends again? ...

"Yes ... yes we are friends again. But I still don't trust you and I'm also still a bit angry. Like I said yesterday, it will take some time and some work on your part... Well, I think I'll go up and talk to James about this project he has with Lily. See you."

He briefly touches my hand and then leaves for the stairs ...

It's quite much for me to take in. We are really friends again. That alone is enough to do a happy-dance. But he's also still mad at me. Understandably so.

Of course I will work on that!

I'll do everything in my power to return things to how they were before the incident.

And after that, I'm thinking about telling him of my feelings.

Because I can still feel a tingling sensation where he touched me and I wish I could have more of that.

I want him by my side, always, and it's my deepest hope that he'll someday feel the same way for me.

But therein also lies my greatest fear, for I don't know what I'd do if he rejected me.

I'm in quite a predicament here. What am I to do? Tell him, risking rejection and perhaps then losing him forever, like I almost managed now? Tell him not, bottling everything up inside and suffer from a broken heart for the rest of my life?

I don't know. I'm so unsure. I just hope that the answer comes to me sometime soon...

TBC

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Hope you liked it! Please tell me what you think! 


	7. Chapter 7

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough  
**_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Do I still have to say it? Not mine!

**Warning:** This is still SLASH! Don't like don't read. And don't say I didn't warn you.

**Pairing: **SB/RL

**Author's Ramblings: **I'm soooo sorry! (ducksunderchair) I haven't updated in ages and I feel very bad about it. I believe I had a case of writers-block and I felt everything was crap. But I finally managed to complete chapter 7, so here it is.

Thanks a lot to all my reviewers. I am sooo happy that you all like this so much.

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**Two weeks later**

Things have really improved over the last two weeks. I can talk to Remus again, whenever I want, and we even managed to form a new, tentative trust. It's still very fragile and could break easily, so I'm quite careful what I do and how I act around him.

I don't ever want to lose him like this again and I'll do anything to prevent a repeat of those almost three months of agony.

As it is, I'm very happy. We are joking with each other again, we even tried to form plans on how to help James with his Evans-problem.

That's another thing occupying my mind now! Can't a guy get his rest around here? I finally have Remus back as a friend, and then James goes lunatic!

Ever since this stupid Muggle Studies project came up, he's been unbearable. He hardly talks about anything else and last week I finally had enough. I had to get him out of "Lily this, Lily that", so I suggested a prank.

I wasn't completely sure about it, what with Remus and what he had said to me about the whole issue, but something had to be done. And honestly, I had missed our quality mischief.

I'm glad James hasn't lost his Marauder-spirit, because he readily agreed to it. Of course I talked to Remus as well, 'cause I wanted to make sure he was okay with it. I'm still quite insecure about what is within the limits or what will anger him.

To my relief he said that it was alright with him. Quote "Have fun, but don't overdo it." Unquote. He didn't want to take part in it this time and told me to surprise him.

So James and I had a fun evening discussing what we could probably do and in the end decided on pranking the Ravenclaws for a change. I mean, always Slytherins is really a bit boring and very predictable. You have to shock the masses from time to time and do something completely unexpected so that they keep on their toes.

And because of that our prank of the day was a bit more ... sophisticated – I know my big words – than what we do usually.

Who would've thought that there could be this much fun in sophistication...?

Well, we snuck out under the invisibility cloak last Wednesday night and made our way to the Ravenclaw Common Room. Strolling around that castle at every opportune – or unopportune – time for 5 and a half years really has its merits. We know almost every nook and cranny of old Hogwarts and so we know of course where the other Common Rooms are located.

Anyway, we put a spell over the doorway which would attach itself to everyone who walked through the door the next morning and would activate about half an hour later. It was quite some work to find this spell actually, especially to make it time-delayed.

After that we just had to get back to bed and wait for the next day to come. Of course, what would a nightly walk be without running into Mrs. Norris, Filch right behind her? I was – once again – immensly grateful for the cloak. I swear, one of these days I'll chase the filthy cat up the highest tree and then put a sticking charm on her. Stupid feline! I swear I saw her smirking at us! ...

So, I was awaiting the next morning very eagerly. I hoped Remus would like what we did, because I was thinking of him when James and I decided on it...

It happened during breakfast and everything went according to plan.

There was a loud bang, a cloud of smoke and then all the Ravenclaws were clad in 16th century clothing. We really outdid ourselves with the spell, everthing looked very authentic. On top of that they could only recite Shakespeare verses for the rest of the day.

I'm glad I remembered that Remus loves this muggle playwright, because I think he was very much amused this whole day. I often saw him laughing at some of the lines the Ravenclaws were forced to say, sometimes I didn't understand why, but that could be because I don't know the plays of this guy.

Remus made me read one once, and it was really quite good but ... well, weird.

There were witches in it who were talking to their animals and doing some divination stuff and there was this general who was good but went bad and killed the king and something about a moving forest in the end. Really weird.

But Remus loves this Shakespeare and so our prank was quite a success in that way.

Not that it wasn't a success in the whole. I had to laugh so hard when Mark Branstone from Hufflepuff told me about their Potions class with the Ravenclaws. Somehow someone must've managed to blow their cauldron up – right in Slughorns face.

He was, of course, drenched, and then ...I think it was Robert Quirke... Yes Robert. He probably wanted to say something consoling but what came out was "Thou smell of mountain goat."

Isn't it hilarious? I tried to picture Slughorn's face and whenever I was thinking about it, I had to start laughing again.

Of course, there were also minor drawbacks, for example when some of the Ravenclaws figured out I was one of the main reasons for their predicament. They couldn't really say – or yell – what they wanted to as they were still speaking Shakespearish.

But it wasn't so nice when Victoria Cornfoot came up to me and spat in my face "I was searching for a fool when I found you." James, Remus and Peter thought it was very funny indeed. A fine bunch of friends I have ...

The best thing of the day happened after our last lesson, on the way to dinner. Sarah Bradley, a nice Ravenclaw in our year, was walking a little ahead of us and as she rounded a corner we could see that she collided with someone.

As we came to said corner, we saw that it was Snape and he had already started sprouting his typical nonsense, stupid Ravenclaw, head in a book, blah, blah, blah.

And then ... Oh, it was just priceless. Sarah looked him right in the eye, completely calm and she said ... I still start laughing when I think about it ... she said "You talk greasily, your lips grow foul."

For a moment everyone was just stunnend. Then we started laughing like there would be no tomorrow. I had to lean on James for support and tears were running down his face. And the look on Snivellus' face ... This was one of the few times I've actually seen him speechless. He just stood there for a minute or two, gaping at Sarah, then he turned and stalked away.

I never would've thought a 500 year old writer could be this cool. Wonder if he knew some of Snape's ancestors? I mean, the description was quite fitting, 'cause everything about him is greasy and foul...

So it was really a very funny day with lots of great moments. Even the teachers must've liked it, because McGonagall didn't give us detention though it was obvious it had been us, and Flitwick actually complimented us on our "excellent spellwork".

And my original intention got fulfilled as well, because James didn't rant about his "fair Lily-flower" for at least a whole day ...

888

But now, a week later, he's back to it again. I hope this blasted project ends soon. There's only so much I can take ...

Perhaps I should talk to Evans and ask her to just go out with him, for the sake of all of us but most importantly and especially me. Well, she'll probably laugh right in my face and call me a bunch of un-nice things, like "low class trouble maker", but desperate times call for desperate measures ...

They're working at their project at the moment and everything has been quiet for at least 15 minutes. I take that as a good sign ...

"James! Can't you ever be serious! You really have nothing but nonsense in that overly big head of yours! This is a very imporant topic we have to discuss here! The car was the most important invention of the last century in the muggle world and changed their perspective of the world immensly! And you have nothing better to do than doodle cars with wings on the books! On books that don't even belong to you!"

So much for peace and quiet. They're at it again.

"But Lily, I ..."

"Stop it! I don't want to hear anything from you. Now get back to work, before I make sure you're permanently stuck to that chair."

She returns to her books and James looks at me pleadingly. I know, he wants me to get him away from her, but I really don't want to interfere at the moment and I certainly don't want her wrath directed at me. She can be very, very scary. So I just shrug apologetically. He'll understand that. And he'll have forgotten it soon anyway. Nothing can waver his opinion that Lily loves him ...

I think I'll leave now. I don't have to witness another outburst. Definetly not. Perhaps I'll go outside for a bit. The weather's quite nice, crisp and clear, still with lots of snow. It looks so nice, all coated in white and sparkling when the sun hits it ...

888

I'm just crossing the Entrance Hall when I hear someone approaching from the direction of the kitchens.

"Hey Sirius! Where are you going?"

"Hey there Moony! I thought you were in the library."

Seems as if Lady Luck is with me today. Perhaps he'll accompany me. I love it when we're alone together.

"I was, but then I got hungry and went down for a snack. So, what're you doing? You're not up to something, are you?"

Why do people always ask that as soon as they see me? Why do they always assume the worst? ... Oh, it could have something to do with me playing a few pranks in the last few years ... quite a few ... okay, a lot.

But at the moment my conscience is clear.

"Of course I'm not up to anything! What do you think of me? I'm escaping from a lovers' quarrel."

"Oh no. Are they at it again?"

"Yes, so I'm now going for a walk. Fancy coming with me, Moony?"

_Please say yes, please say yes_. I'm crossing all the fingers I have... I treasure every moment I get to spend with him. It's still a bit unreal for me that we're actually friends again.

"Okay. I really don't have to see James whining again"

He manages to make me completely happy with the simplest things ...

So we make our way outside and start to walk around the lake.

I don't quite know what to talk about, we're still a tiny bit uncomfortable around each other, though it's getting better with each day. Perhaps it's best to stick with the safe topic of school for now.

"So Moony, have you already finished your History of Magic essay?"

I wanted to ask him that anyway, because I still need to do it, it's due tomorrow and the topic is simply boring.

"Why do you want to know? No ... let me guess. You didn't do it and now want to copy mine."

He knows me too well. But I really didn't mean to copy it.

"No, I just wanted to read it, to get some ideas. My mind's a blank. I mean, what am I to say about some crackpot muggle who heard of magic and then thought he could fly with wings made out of wax! Please Remus! Pretty please!"

I try to give him the puppy dog eyes, but they never worked on him. He just laughs at me.

"Ok, you can have it later, but only for ideas. And I mean it."

"Thanks Moony! You're once again my saviour!"

We continue our walk in silence for a while.

"It's full moon next week on Thursday..."

I know that of course. He doesn't need to tell me. I always keep track of the calendar.

"You know, we could go to that cave we found back in September. Do you remember? We wanted to explore it ..."

Does ... does that really mean what I think it means? That would be fantastic!

"Moony! Do you ... do you want me to come with you again?"

He's looking away from me, over the lake. Is it a trick of the light or do I see a faint blush rising in his cheeks?

"Yes, I want Padfoot there again. I ... I kind of ... missed you."

He was speaking more and more silently towards the end of this, but I could still hear him clearly. And I think my heart stops for a moment as his words finally register in my brain. He missed me! I didn't even think to dream of that! And now it's reality! I feel very warm all of a sudden, despite the chilly air, and I'm all giddy inside. So there really is hope, and probably – hopefully – for more than things just being normal again ...

"Of course I'm coming! What do you think? It will be great, just you wait and see. That cave looked somewhat interesting. Pity we didn't have time to explore it then. Perhaps there's a treasure inside, or it's the grave of some evil old wizard or ..."

I know I'm rambling, but I don't care! I'm just so happy! I feel like bursting with joy! I'll be with him on the full moon. He's accepting me into his pack again! ...

I can hear him laughing from somewhere behind me ...

Wait ... Why behind me? ...

And suddenly there's something wet and cold colliding with the back of my head. Did he just throw a snowball at me? Did he dare attack Mr. Snow-Fight himself?... This means war!

I scoop up some snow and turn around, but he's already in front of me, tackling me to the ground. And now we're rolling around in the snow, trying to gain the upper hand. It's double the fun for me, because firstly I like snow and rolling around in it and secondly I'm able to touch him.

I can barely do that without rising suspicion. I mean, I can't really go and hug him out of the blue ...

After a while we lie panting in the snow, completely wet, but laughing.

"You know Padfoot, it's really amazing how much fun I always have with you, even when I don't mean to!"

I think now I'm blushing. He's always saying those innocent things that seem to carry a deeper meaning.

"And I still meant to tell you: that prank last week was really good, I enjoyed it very much. And it was actually not against the Slytherins for a change. I was really impressed."

That's one burden less on my heart. I'm quite relieved now. I was already wondering why he didn't say anything about it.

"Yeah, I had hoped you would like it. I know you love this Shakespeare guy and that's the reason it came to my mind in the beginning. I wanted you especially to enjoy it."

Normally I wouldn't have told him that, but somehow the mood at the moment is just right. I carefully look at him and now I'm absolutely sure I see a lovely shade of red tinting his cheeks. He looks so adorable like this! I could stare at him forever!

"Thanks Siri... What do you say to planning something together next time?"

I'm still reeling over the "Siri" thing. He has only ever called me that on two or three special occasions, when he was feeling very touchy or emotional. So I'm still processing his words after that ...

Finally I get it. A prank! A prank with Remus! YES! He always has great ideas and we normally don't get caught when he's masterminding it. And ... if I think it over carefully, he sounded as if he meant it in the sense of just the two of us. That's even better, if such a thing is possible! Perhaps he likes spending time with me as much as I love to be with him ...

"Sure, that would be great, Moony! When do you want to do it? Now?"

I must be sounding very eager and quite hyper, but I think Remus is used to that by now.

"No, let's wait till after the full moon. I'll have to a bit of thought. I don't have any ideas at the moment ... So, I think we should go back to the Common Room now. We need a nice hot shower and some dry clothes. And then we should perhaps look after James. One of these days Lily will seriously hurt him."

For a tiny second it's on the tip of my tongue to ask if he wants to take his shower together with me, but I quickly stuff those thoughts into the furthest corner of my brain. Naughty Sirius!

And so we're making our way back to the castle, while I'm whacking myself on the head – mentally of course ...

888

I'm lying in bed now and my thoughts are still running over the events of this day as I look over at Remus, who's apparently already sleeping.

He really looks like an angel ... My angel.

Sometimes I think that I couldn't live without him.

I'm sure my crappy, dark-arts infested family would've already driven me insane if it wasn't for Remus listening patiently to all of my rants.

It's also quite possible that I'd already have killed one of my stupid cousins if it wasn't for him always soothing my temper. He's really the only one who can do it, 'cause James only manages to egg me on further when I'm in one of my moods.

It's just ... James is my best friend and all, but with Remus, there's this special connection. I tell him things I could never talk to James about, simply because he wouldn't understand. Remus knows what it's like to have a miserable childhood.

I really don't envy James because of his happy upbringing, I like Mr. and Mrs. Potter a lot and they've always treated me as if I was their son. But because of that James cannot understand some of my darker parts.

And that's why I'm so happy that I have Remus. There are no words strong enough to describe how I feel or how grateful I am to have him in my life. He always knows exactly what I need, be it a hug or a slap.

I hope so much that I can tell him sometime what and how much he really means to me ...

I love you so much Remus!

If only I could tell you that to your face!

If only I could tell you that you mean more to me than anything else in the world!

But I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do it. I'm afraid to lose his friendship and that would kill me ...

But despite all that, I'll never stop hoping ...

**TBC

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**

I really wasn't sure about the prank. I'm not such a funny person and it took me ages to think of something. As I love Shakespeare (I can identify with Remus here), I had to somehow include it. Hope you liked it.

So, please leave a review, and also check out my profile and read my Oneshots. Pretty please with a cherry on top?


	8. Chapter 8

**Sometimes "Sorry" isn't enough  
**_by Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **J.K.Rowling owns everything. Nothing is mine!

-peeks out of hiding place carefully and waves nervously- Hello all! Before you start hitting me with Snuffles-plushies let me apologise! I'm sooooo very extremely sorry that I havent't updated in longer than a year. I didn't know what to do with the story anymore for a long time, didn't know in what direction I wanted to take it. So I just left it laying. Please accept my deepest apologies! -bows- Now, mo-chan niimura's review finally made me sit down and revise the whole of Chapter 8, which I had already partially written. I actually rewrote it completely and now here you have it.

Have fun with Chapter 8!

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**Day after the full moon**

Yesterday night was truly great! The Marauders were back together at long last. We went to that cave I had talked about with Remus and though there wasn't anything interesting in there, it was such fun to just stroll through the forest with Moony, Prongs and Wormtail. We were chasing each other between the trees and on a clearing quite deep inside the forest we even encountered a unicorn.

That was really a magnificent sight, for lack of a less pompous word. It just stood there, gleaming pure silver in the moonlight and looking at us with those ancient eyes. For a short moment that seemed like a small eternity it locked gazes with me and I suddenly got the feeling that everything would be alright again and even better.

I don't know, it somehow seemed to encourage me to act more upon my feelings, seemed to tell me that I would be greatly rewarded if I did...

Normally I'd laugh at anyone who told me something like this, I don't believe in some animal – however ethereal – knowing my situation and telling me what to do, but in this moment... It felt so surreal, but oh so right at the same time...

Well, I'm not quite sure how this whole "acting on my feelings" could look like anyway. I had thought – for a very brief moment – to get him something for Valentine's Day which was yesterday, but then I decided not to. I would have been much too suggestive and I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want.

I mean, of course we are getting along quite fine again, doing homework together, joking with each other or talking about Quidditch, the news or some such trivial things, but something is still missing. I don't think he'd tell me when he was feeling bad or had some kind of problem, that trust and openness for that is still lacking and I dearly hope that it will come back with time.

Anyway, because of all that I believe a Valentine's Day present would have been way over the top.

888

It's now Friday afternoon and Remus is still in the hospital wing. Poppy – hopefully she'll never hear me call her that – always insists on keeping him there at least one full day and a night, even when he is feeling perfectly alright.

She means well, but it always bothers him so much to lose valuable time that could be used for homework. It's bad enough for him that he misses some classes each month. James, Peter and I don't really understand him – who wouldn't be happy to get out of double Potions with the snakes? – but that's Remus for you.

I'm sitting in the Common Room, feeling bored yet again. It's only Friday, so it's against my principles to start with homework and James is in the library since classes ended. Lily and he have to hand in their project on Monday and have to put some finishing touches on it or something like that.

I have a bet with myself as to when Madam Pince will throw them out, but they are already gone more than two hours – much more than I'd expected, I had given them fifteen minutes at the most. Perhaps Evans put a silencing charm on him or shut his mouth with spellotape...

I think I can manage to head down to the hospital wing now, to see how Remus is doing and to bring him today's homework. It took me some time – the last hour to be precise – to pluck up the courage to go.

The last encounter I had with him there is still vivid in my mind, despite it being three months ago. It was really one of the worst evenings of my whole life, when I thought I had lost him forever.

I know of course that he won't react like he did then, but still, this unreasonable fear was there and it took some time to conquer it.

888

But I'm not a Gryffindor for nothing and so I'm standing in front of the doors to the hospital wing ten minutes later, taking another deep breath before pushing them open.

The usual smell of antiseptics hits me, but other than that the room looks much more cheerful than the last time I was here. Sunlight is flooding through the high windows and there is Remus, sitting in his usual bed at the far end of the room, holding – what else? – a book in his hands.

He looks up and smiles at me, motioning me to come over. It's still a miracle to me that we are friends again, I don't know how I can ever thank him for forgiving me.

"Padfoot! Good of you to come! I'm bored out of my wits!"

I cross the room and and sit down on the chair beside his bed. He's looking good. I mean, he obviously always looks fantastic, but for the day after a transformation he is really looking ... good. No new scratches, as far as I can see, and he also doesn't seem to be weary or down.

"How are you feeling, Moony?"

I just have to know for sure, but he only rolls his eyes.

"I'm perfectly fine, but Madam Pomfrey doesn't want to let me out! She even plans to keep me the night! I have to convince her that I'm alright, I don't want to stay here longer than necessary and I still have loads of things to do. Did you bring the homework?"

That's so typical of Remus, wanting to work while still being in the hospital wing. If it wasn't for him, a lot of my assignments wouldn't be finished on time.

"Yes, I've brought you everything. I know you, after all."

I grin at him while handing him a small stack of parchment and he returns it quickly.

"Anything important happening today? And where are James and Peter? I thought they'd stop by sometime as well."

"Well, James is in the library and Peter is in remedial Potions. As for important things... I don't think there were any. Peter walked on the trick step once again, I restrained myself valiantly and didn't hex any Slytherins and James ... let's not even talk about it. Oh yeah! Flitwick wants us to practice the Patronus Charm. Said it could also come up in examination, but he isn't expecting us to do a corporeal one."

Remus looks thoughtful for a moment and I wonder what is going through his head. I know he had some problems with the charms when we started on it last week. Could be that he doesn't have a whole stack of happy memories. I know only bits and pieces about his childhood, not the whole thing, but it can't have been too nice.

I wish I could give him som real good memories, but all I managed to do was cause another bad one. Stupid me! I hope I can make it up to him one day...

He shakes his head slightly and looks at me again.

"What is James doing in the library? And on a Friday afternoon none the less! Is he ill or something?"

I have to laugh at this, it's so true. James normally never goes to the library if he can avoid it.

"Evans forced him to go. They're finishing their project. And I'm glad it's finally over. I just hope he returns to normal now."

"Yeah, normal like you or what? Which would mean completely crazy of course."

I stick out my tongue at him.

"I won't dignify that with an answer."

And I cross my arms and look at him mock-arrogantly. But he just slaps at my arm.

"Careful! If you hold your head any higher, you'll hurt your neck. Anyway, any ideas on this prank we wanted to do?"

That's the question I had been hoping for, I wanted to discuss it with him anyway. I can never resist even the mention of a prank and together with Remus it's even better. Now I'm in my element and I can feel my trademark mischievous grin tugging on my lips.

"Actually yes, I have! I was thinking of the teachers. They've had a long, quiet time and we don't want them getting careless, do we?"

He sits up straighter and I know I now have his undivided attention.

"Sounds ... interesting. And what...?"

I can barely contain my glee, I've been thinking about this for the past three days, waiting for an opportunity to talk to him. It's really such a brilliant plan!

"Well, I've been talking to the house-elves. You know how they adore me. And they – after some ingenious prodding and subtle flattery on my part – have told me... Now hold on tight, Moony, you won't believe this... They told me how to get into the Teachers' Lounge! Do you see the potential?!"

I'm now jumping up and down in my chair. That's the place I've always wanted to see, not the staff-room where they are during breaks and where you can go and ask them questions. No, the Teachers' Lounge, where they go to relax and to do who knows what. No student is allowed in there and it's password-protected and what not.

And now I'm the one who knows the secret, thanks to the house-elves and my excellent connection to them!

I come down from prankster's heaven to notice that Remus is not looking as enthusiastic as I had hoped.

"Padfoot I don't know. Do you really think it's wise to breach this particular rule? As far as I know no student ever saw it. And ... wouldn't they be really angry? We're already quite behind house-point-wise."

He has to bring that up now! Of course I know that we are behind, it was my fault after all, losing 250 points. But I'm not going to back down!

"Aww, come on Moony! This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! You can't tell me you're not even a tiny bit curious. And it is really just some harmless fun. We look what they have in this room, then a little charm here, a little charm there... Nothing big..."

I try to give him my I'm-an-innocent-puppy-and-butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth expression, but it doesn't seem to work. He just raises his eyebrow dubiously.

"Nothing big? Come on, I'm not stupid, Paddy. If you have this 'once-in-a-lifetime chance', you'll do nothing less than major... But I have to admit that I am somewhat curious. The Teachers' Lounge always had a mysterious ring to it... Ok, I'm on."

Now I actually jump onto his bed and start bouncing up and down.

"Yay! Moony, I knew you would..."

He interrupts me, holding up his hands.

"But you have to promise me not to do anything without discussing it with me first. Because I can so see you burning the whole place down otherwise."

The words sound harsh, but I can see the twinkle in his eyes, so everything is alright. I'd agree to anything just to get his consent to it, as it means spending lots of time with him. I mean, we have to plan this whole venture thoroughly...

"Ok, I promise. You're the boss and I'm your humble servant."

By now I'm kneeling on the bed, slightly next to and in front of him and I just have to do it. I hug him tightly, laying my head on his shoulder.

"You don't know how happy I am that we're doing this together, Moony. I know that things between us are not completely alright again, but this means really a lot to me."

It's strange, but I don't feel awkward talking like this with Remus. I mean, I can do it with James as well, no question but those moments normally end with us goofing off again.

With Remus it's always more ... serious-like. Now as well. He doesn't push me away, but actually holds me for a moment, patting my back slightly.

"I'm glad as well, Padfoot. It's good to be spending time with you again. And the rest ... like I told you, I think it will come back in time."

It's rather terrifying how happy a few words can make you. They are really very dangerous weapons and I hope I have learned to use them more carefully now.

I lean back and for a while we just gaze at each other – and I somehow get the feeling that another tiny piece has been repaired. Then, slowly, identical grins are developing on our faces. We are going to break into the Teachers' Lounge! For real! And I start bouncing on the bed again. I can't help it, that's what I do when I'm excited.

Suddenly I hear heels clicking loudly on the floor and seconds later an angry voice.

"Mr. Black! What are you doing? Mr. Lupin needs his rest!"

It's of course Poppy in all her glory, with her hands on her hips and glowering at me.

"I'm not doing nothing, Madam Pomfrey! Just thought Remus needed a bit of cheering up."

She's tapping her foot impatiently. Honestly, she never believes me!

"He still need to rest. You have been here long enough already! Out!"

She's pointing at the door, putting on her Don't-mess-with-me face and I know no amount of pouting will help. Remus now tries it as well.

"But Madam Pomfrey! I'm perfectly alright. You could just let me go as well."

But she will of course hear nothing of the sort.

"Oh no, young man! You are staying here at least until tomorrow morning. No discussions! And you will leave now, Mr. Black!"

There's nothing to do about it when she's like that, so I just squeeze Remus' shoulder briefly.

"Bye Moony. At least you have your homework now. And if you're extremely bored ... well, you could always do mine as well."

He just laughs at me. Why is it that people always laugh when I say I say perfectly serious and genial things? Strange...

"In your dreams, Sirius. Say hi to James and Peter from me. Bye!"

With a quick, "Will do", I exit the hospital wing and begin my way back to Gryffindor Tower.

888

Strolling through the corridors I marvel at how everything went even better than I had hoped it would, as some small part of me still can't believe completely that Remus is my friend again...

I start humming a little tune which suddenly dies on my lips, because rounding a corner I come face to face with the one person I want to see least: Snivellus.

That's just my absolutely rotten luck again. Why is it that after every good thing there comes something like Snivellus?

He's sneering at me with this smug look on his face and just for that I want to hex him.

"Visiting your werewolf friend?"

I grip my wand in my pocket tighter, battling with myself.

"None of your bloody business, Sni...Snape."

I veer to the right to walk around him, but he blocks my path, chuckling derisively.

"Of course you were. Tell me, whom has he killed this month? Dumbledore has always been a doddering old fool, but letting such a dangerous monster into the school..."

I whip out my wand and point it straight between his eyes.

"Don't you dare talk about Remus like that!"

He actually steps closer now, twisting his face into an arrogant smirk.

"I'm just telling the truth. He's a monster, a worthless abomination that should be wiped out... What's the matter, Black? Come on, hex me and lose Gryffindor some more points. I bet they will love you for it. Or are you too much of a coward?"

My arm is shaking so much that I can barely control it and white-hot rage is surging up inside me. How dare he? How dare this up-to-his-nose-in-Dark-Arts slimeball scorn Remus like this?

I know he is baiting me, but ... how can I tolerate this? I already have a jinx on the tip of my tongue when Remus' voice suddenly ghosts through my head.

"_Show me that you learned something, that you matured at least a little bit."_

If Remus were in my position, he'd probably not curse Snivellus into next week. He'd do a mature thing...

And I want to show Remus that I really learned something out of this whole mess.

So I do something completely unheard of, that no one would ever expect Sirius Black to do when in the presence of Severus Snape: I lower my wand and step away from him.

"You're not worth it, Snape."

With that I sidle around him and walk away, leaving him with a stunned expression on his face.

And only then do I notice my surroundings again and see James standing next to suit of armor. He must have seen the whole "encounter" as he is gaping at me with wide eyes, question marks clearly visible in them.

I just shake my head, I don't want to talk about it now and he nods briefly, seeming to understand me which I'm really glad for.

888

Finally I'm back in Gryffindor Tower, plopping down in one of "our" armchairs.

What a day!

First a great time with Remus, then Snivellus ... sometimes one thing really comes on top of the other.

And I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself. I think Remus would've liked how I handled the situation back there. What do they say? The wiser head gives in? Shows what I always knew: Snivellus is just a stupid mongrel.

I shouldn't waste any more time on him, there are more important things to think about. Like our prank. I have to start planning what to do to the Teachers' Lounge. It has to be something utterly spectacular...

I stare into the flames, my mind somehow returning to the unicorn we met yesterday night again. Act on your feelings. Does it know how difficult that is? I'd be baring myself, a very vulnerable part of myself at that. I don't know what I'd do if he rejected me...

The reward will be great, it seemed to say... Should I really risk it?... But am I even right? How can an animal "tell" me anything?

Well, all this worrying won't help me. I'll simply have to cross that bridge once I come to it...

**TBC**

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So, I hope you liked it and that it still fits with the rest of the story. Please review! Even if it's only to tell me how angry you've been with me! 

Till next time! Which will hopefully be not that long anymore!


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